Dread

The dread is becoming undeniable.

I’ve done some reflecting and I have to face the fact that I need to make some changes.

The beginning of the new year is the perfect time to reflect on where we are and where we want to be.

I love the sense of renewal and the feeling of possibility the New Year represents.

But I have to admit that I don’t love facing the dread that has been building up inside of me.

What was once a passing mood has now become my usual.  I’m afraid that I have let it take too strong a hold.   I am doing something that won’t lead to anything positive.  I know this from personal experience but I am refusing to listen to my own inner voice of reason and I find myself doing it anyway.

I am specifically referring to my habit of snoozing when the alarm goes off and arriving at work late almost daily.

I don’t want to be there, so I snooze and it has become a dreadful cycle.

I feel like I talk about snoozing all the time, it is probably because I do it entirely too much. I have to stop pretending that the alarm is a suggestion when it goes off on work mornings. Snoozing in the morning instead of getting up when the alarm goes off the first time is really just the worst idea ever. The sleep I get never, ever feels satisfying, and instead of accepting that and acknowledging it I hit snooze over and over. Sometimes for two hours. This has to stop. Nothing good can come from acting on the worst idea ever first thing in the morning.

Everyone is late to work from time to time. This is the case in the place that I work at least. And at first, I was late to work like a normal person. When I got in late, I would arrive five or fifteen minutes maybe once or twice a week. One week I noticed that I was around ten to fifteen minutes late every day. And lately, I have been more than 30 minutes late to work more than once per week. This is unacceptable for so many reasons. The most unacceptable reason being that everyone’s time in this situation is important. My time is valuable to me and so I want to leave on time at the end of the day. But, my employers time is important to them and I should just follow their rules while I am there.

This brings me back to what I have to face, when thinking about where I am and where I want to be, I know deep down that I don’t want to be at this job and that is why I never feel rested.  Snoozing and being late is my subconscious way of resisting all of it.

[Tweet “Dread, allowing it to eclipse everything stops me from remembering that there is someone I want to be. “]

When I get to work I want to appear together, neat, on time and stylish. Instead, I am probably coming off as peevish, petulant and irascible.

“What am I willing to do, now that I recognize that something needs to change,” is the question I have been asking myself.

Dread is just an excuse to avoid my real feelings.

I have to guide myself to the place that I believe I should be in. And I am not going to get there by ignoring what I am actually feeling.

Dread distracts me from remembering the things that I love that are waiting for me at the other side of a work day.

It also distracts me from important but hard questions. What is it that I really want? Will it really be better elsewhere? Where is elsewhere?

Focusing on dread is zapping the energy I need to be motivated and inspired to create the life I imagine.

Do you ever feel dread when it’s time to go to work? When does yours start? Monday morning? Or does it sneak up and start to take hold mid-day Sunday?

I’d love to hear about it, let me know in the comments!

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