so many choices


It has been a long time since I last posted, about three months.

It is weird how my days feel slow but still it seems like time goes by quickly.

Today I thought to myself; I have avoided posting long enough. I decided I would make today the day I get started blogging again.

I have this way of avoiding things.

Avoiding posting reminds me of all the things that I believe I really want to do.

Things that I say that I want to do that, I avoid actually doing.

It could be anything. I could want to call someone back or go to a class I signed up for. At times, it’s going to the gym or even visiting a family member.

Whatever it is I will not do it for days on top of days but eventually and often something inside me would change. Maybe it would be guilt, but whatever it is, it would take hold, and I would want to go back and return the phone call or visit. But, at that point, I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed about the amount of time that went by that I would tell myself it is too late and just avoid it altogether.

That is not usually the best choice in most situations which I now know looking back.

Especially when it comes to things I want to do.

And so here I am, beginning again.

Recently I decided to be more compassionate to myself and intentional about self love.

I was surprised to learn that practicing self-love would be so challenging. Working on reprogramming my mental loop has brought the thoughts that are constantly running through my head into focus.

I learned that on the weekdays when I hear my alarm, my first thought is “ugh”. I was taken aback by this and so in addition to telling myself that I love myself constantly, I have also started beginning my day by telling myself something positive. Things like, “You look great in your new jeans!” “Your braid out is going to be awesome!”

Anything that makes me feel amazing and ready to face the day is up for consideration.

I think over time my inner monologue will start to be more uplifting and inspiring. I don’t think I will be able to do the things I want to do unless I am feeling pumped and fully excited.

I don’t really respond well to negative reinforcement and tough love when its external so, I think that this approach will prove to be a lot better for me.

Sometimes I feel really silly telling myself positive things. I’ll think, “what if someone were to hear me, they’d laugh so hard at your silliness!”

But it occurred to me that I never feel that way when I am having thoughts of doom and gloom. No matter how ridiculous the negative thoughts I am having may be, I just have a way of accepting them more. I think that is so weird, and I believe it has to stop and so I have added telling myself uplifting things to my morning routine.

Wishing you a lovely week!

Until the next time, Shuba.



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