No matter what, something was always off.
But finally one day I was blessed with a job that seemed like it would work for me. Not only did this organization offer lots of vacation time I had the incredible fortune that my work schedule was only four days a week. For me, four days of work followed by three days off is extremely palatable. The fact that I had paid vacation and personal days as well was enough for me to feel like I had arrived.
But things changed.
I didn’t notice any clouds on the horizon until I was entirely in the midst of the storm.
The day came when it didn’t matter that I had all this vacation time and only had to be there four days a week. The day came when existing with my job began to feel painful like an obstacle I needed to overcome.
I was no longer grateful for the position I had or for the place I was.
I fell into a negative cycle at work.
Not only was I miserable there, but every conversation I had with my colleagues became about us discussing our discontent. I found it interesting that the prior year my social interactions with them were all benign.
But now my interactions were with other people who let on that they too were seething silently, counting down the hours until lunchtime, then again until quitting time and only feeling optimistic again very late Friday afternoon.
I knew that I had a part in attracting a particular type of person into my space. I had become so miserable it was inevitable that the people who gravitated to me at work were unhappy too.
I knew that to cleanse myself energy-wise, I had to leave that situation. I couldn’t imagine any success in the environment. I was no longer comfortable at work.
When that truth occurred to me, it was as if I had woken up from a deep slumber.
My self-love practice allowed me to see that I had to be honest with myself for the Universe to support my real desires.
I had to change my inner dialogue and practice speaking kindly to myself.
Finding the strength to be patient and kind to myself allowed me to see that I had to get myself into a new situation. A situation that would be better for me because who wants to be around someone who is seething silently? Who wants a team member who doesn’t have any desire to be on the team?
I worked on changing my toxic thought patterns.
I stopped criticizing myself for disliking something that I believed others would think was great. I had to focus on who I wanted to be. My newfound clarity allowed me to see that I was going in an opposite direction away from the sort of life I envisioned for myself.
I wanted to open myself up to experiences that felt real and valuable to me.
Leaving that job was just the first step down a new road. I have a long way to go, but I am beginning to feel free to share my ideas and opinions again. I had to stand up to myself for myself.
Have you ever been fearful of making a change even though it was exactly what you needed to do?
Let me know in the comments.