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Writer’s Block

It usually goes something like this. I’ll discover a show and then I’ll watch TV all day and all weekend. Sometimes I’ll spend an entire day on the phone talking or texting. Some days are spent just reading. Other times, I spend the whole day online reading article after article.

Some weekends I am too guilty to just laze about, so I will choose to do a chore I have been avoiding — like cleaning the oven. I’ll tell myself that it is important to have a clean oven. But while I’m cleaning the oven, I will be defiantly justifying my actions to myself the whole time. I won’t get to experience the satisfaction of having a clean oven, because I will know that the reason I cleaned the oven is because I was just avoiding writing.

I’m constantly filling my free time with distractions. But no matter what I am doing, I am thinking about writing. And I am thinking about the fact that I am not writing, and that I promised myself that I would.

Shubalicious library

It should be easy for me to write now. I started a blog. I’ve carved out a space, now my writing can have a home. But it isn’t easy at all, I struggle a lot with just starting. I don’t know why I struggle with doing the things I want to do.

Every Monday I regret not using more of my time on the weekend to write. When I am at work and I don’t have the time to write, I send myself emails or I write notes to myself. I promise myself I will write that night when I get home. I am constantly thinking about writing and telling myself I will do it later.

Now that I am actually writing this, it feels silly to say it. When I sat down to write about not writing, I wrote pages and pages.

So I guess its just a matter of doing it again. Being consistent. Resisting the call of all the distractions. It’s so easy to just find something else to do.

It’s so much easier to talk about wanting something than actually taking actions to get what you want.

If I were writing daily instead of distracting myself, I would be forced to focus on the questions and thoughts that race through my head. Thoughts and questions like, Maybe this is what you will always do for work. You will always have a job you don’t like. It’s not likely that this is your last job, so one day you will have to find a new one. What sort of job will your next job be? Can it be more to your liking?

I’ve let myself be distracted for a long time and now I have to relearn how to use my time in a different way. There was a time in my life when art and expressing myself was very important. Recently I realized that I was not living the life of a creative person anymore. Conversations with my husband and other loved ones have become my only outlet for self expression.

I can’t read or just watch television all weekend and say it’s because my job leaves me unfulfilled and uninspired all week and not do anything about it.

It’s such a struggle to fear writing and to fear not writing at the same time. It doesn’t make sense and it feels like a battle. Although I have a fear of judgement, I fear never writing more. If I don’t write there will never be anything written by me. I’ve always wanted to be a writer and when I was younger and had more faith in my dreams, I wrote all the time. One day writing became just another thing that I would do “later”. I stopped believing in myself. It feels awful to say that I stopped believing in myself. I watch Super Soul Sunday…I read self help books. I know I am supposed to believe in myself.

On my last birthday, I realized that it’s “later” now. I had to ask myself what’s stopping me from writing? There are many factors that may stop me or anyone from doing every single thing they thought they would do in their lifetime. But I don’t think for me that writing has to be one of those things.

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